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Disappointment - 5 Ways to Avoid it.


5 Ways to Avoid it.

I can honestly say that disappointment leads to suicide. It's such a bad experience that it can sabotage a career, blow a relationship, cause severe health problems and more. It underpins all mental health problems and can suck the life force out of anyone in any job at any time. It leads to chronic fatigue, violence, self harm and more. So, dealing with and avoiding disappointment is a huge topic. And if you can handle it, then it's a big plus for your life and those you lead.

1. Cap the Uppers

Most anti depressants, all meditations, nearly all therapy and most leadership programs will focus on focussing your mind on a target. But few offer advice or guidance on what to do when you hit it. Celebrations, such as "I finished a virpasna meditation retreat" or "we exceeded budget" or "what great sex we had last night" are not mentioned in mental health programs or even acknowledged as a causal factor in depressions or in today's post, disappointment (note: depression and disappointment are bed mates).

"If you want to celebrate the uppers, you must also go down with the downers" - Chris Walker

"If you want to celebrate the uppers then, by nature's default, you must go down (disappointment) with the downers." Those long lunches, the party for winning, the excitement over a job proposal are blind sided self leadership and often used to break up an otherwise boring or repetitive work life. But they cost.

"Nature evolves you at the border of Uppers and Downers" - Chris Walker

Being blinded by excitement, enthusiasm, victory, winning, happiness is way overrated. It is the cause of disappointment and rather than celebrate one and hate the other, maybe it's wiser to be thankful instead.

2. Love

Love does. Love is. Love turns up. Love is the balance. We may say we love but often we've tangled love and emotion. Love is not an emotion. Love is a powerful state of personal presence. It is a balanced mind mixed with a grateful heart. Disappointment is an emotion, a lopsided thought. If you choose to value feelings, emotions and expectations then that's ok, but remember that this is the cause of disappointment. In love there are no expectations.

Your expectations block your love - Chris Walker

So, it's your expectations that cause your disappointment - and at the end of the day, your expectations might just be a fight with nature. Nature's Universal Laws are the structure of love. Learn these and you will know how, at anytime to return to your ground zero, free of disappointment - fully engaged with love.

Love is a really important tool for busy people. Stress can only exist in a heart that blind to love. Disappointment can only exist in a mind that is stuck in expectation and therefore blocking love. A body that is out of balance cannot transport love. An athlete who lacks the love of their next move will fail. Try love instead of expectations in order to avoid disappointment.

3. Realism

Don't be a lightweight. Get serious about what you want. Often I ask a disappointed person to focus on the future and describe what they want. The answer is often "I don't know what I want" and this of course is how we hang on, with grim death, to the past. Life delivers us truth. Sometimes, and more often than not, we are not as good or clever as we think we are and as a result we learn about ourselves, evolve and grow in life, by falling on our butt.

"You can please others and piss yourself off, or please yourself and piss others off, but you can't do both" - Chris Walker's Law of Lesser Pissers.

The process of creating goals and visions for the future is more complex than people first imagine. It is imagined to be a process of setting high targets and simply banging your head against the wall, (road blocks) until you get there. This often fails. The real process of creating goals and achieving them is far more sophisticated.

To bring something into reality you must first act like it is already there - Chris Walker

If you'd like to be the President of your firm, act like you already are. Now, this means to dress like her, act like her, and feel like her. However, one must be wise here and this is where the sophistication comes in: do you really know what it feels like, is like and costs to be that person or have that goal you wish for. Here's a few tips on good goal development:

  1. Define every goal in the language of Be, Do, Have (in other words define the spiritual, mental, emotional and material expectations you foresee coming from that goal.
  2. Write down a strong list of the costs of getting there, and being there... are you willing to really pay those costs?
  3. Always write your goals in conjunction with the other six areas of life goals. You may find that a goal to say "win the netball champs this year" is going to cause sacrifices at home to family goals, or financial or work goals. No goal happens in isolation and compartmentalisation of goals is truely blind. Take a holistic approach to yourself and your goals.
  4. Be happy with what you've got. If you don't appreciate what you've got you lose it. Chasing a goal can turn your mind to a nasty, greedy, angry, bitter mess if you don't build the future on an appreciation for the past (there is no present).
  5. Always do a four column on a goal so that you create true expectations. This we call the emotional shower and basically goes: Col 1. Positive outcome. Col 2. Negative of the positive outcome. Col 3. Negative outcomes. Col 4. Positives of the negative outcomes. All columns must balance in numbers and weight.

4. Evolve and Adapt

Your expectations of what things would look like might just be the downfall of your career. Disappointment is often an internal "never good enough" mindset that has been inherited from bad or passive aggressive parenting. Sometimes we need to see that a "never good enough" mindset that is always critical is going to impact us externally because it's awful to be around and internally because it's the enemy within.

"If you don't like what you see, change your glasses" - Chris Walker

When we lose trust for the path of life we can easily become rigid and unforgiving, hard and brutal, cold and calculating, mean and angry, dark and brooding, angry and closed, stressed and aggressive, opinionated and righteous. I can go on.....

Trust is not something you earn. Trust is more important than love. No trust, no love. And the first trust is trust in our self. But which self? The emotional one, the body instinct, the fight flight, the thinking self? The list goes on and therefore one must be able to cut through the erroneous self's in order to trust the real self. This is not achieved through meditation or yoga which both, more often than not, simply create a false self modelled on some philosophy outside our own. The true self, as it is noted in zen, is no self.

Trusting yourself requires a peeling away of what isn't worthy of trust. This is important but not a lengthy process. The self one must trust is found only in nature. It has many names but we call it heart and soul. It has no voice nor does it have opinions or expectations but it is your internal compass, your innerwealth. So, to handle disappointment and prevent it from getting out of control, learn to trust the real you.

5. Use It

It is this last clue that can become the power of your mind. Use disappointment to witness your opportunities in life. Let it show you the difference between truth and false. Let it show you where your mind has overwhelmed your heart. Let it be a guide for you for your life. Disappointment is as important a part of your true nature as is happiness. Learn to use it and make it your friend.

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