The role of a parent, partner, priest, therapist or coach is often to unburden you of the strain and stress of disappointment. You arrive in a state of disappointment and they see their role in your life as to lift your spirits and get you back on track. What they don't realise is that rescue breads resentment. Lets find out why.
"Rescue breeds resentment." Chris Walker
One Codependency that's toxic
What a rescuer who takes you from disappointment in yourself or your life doesn't realise is that they are making you weak. They are leaving you to increase your disappointment as a default to circumstances that don't go in your favour, and therefore have created an addiction to the remedy, something outside themselves to fix their disappointment (often called depression) and sometimes called exhaustion, lack of motivation, fatigue or hopelessness.
Pull a weed - plant a flower. - Chris Walker
Disappointment is a Habit You can Change
Trying to fix a problem is like driving a car and saying "don't hit that tree" - it guarantees to increase the probability of hitting the tree and the problem getting worse. The solution to changing a habit is to stop one behaviour and replace it with another. In the case of the car example, instead of don't hit that tree it's better to say "focus on the out route of the corner."
Disappointment must be replaced by encouragement. - Chris Walker
Coach Yourself Up or Out
If you are disappointed as a default to yourself on the inside, people on the outside will encourage you. So, that's an addiction because those encouragers become partners, friends, colleagues and anyone who criticises you becomes the enemy. This polarity is the root of toxic thinking, mental illness, physical sickness and business failure. Coach yourself up means ... instead of disappointment, encourage yourself. If you encourage yourself like an inner coach, a friend or substance addiction, you've no need for it on the outside. You'll then attract a different group of friends, behaviours and reactions to you.
A Story to Rock Your Boat
I was in Halifax Canada, my team bought me a woman who'd been imprisoned in a mental institution because she was depressed and her family had her committed. I knew she wasn't ill like in a mentally permanent damage sense and therefore I could bring her back to life. I gave the team instructions and they met her daily, helping her replace her default of disappointment about things into encouragement. One simple but gross example is the smell of poo. It was our first step and a really sensory one. She hated the smell, and given that we all must deal with it, was a good start. I showed her how to expect the smell and to value it and to understand it was not something to be disappointed about but instead something that revealed nature doing its job. Well day by day they gave her a new default and within a few months, on my monthly visit she was really as normal as anyone. But this is the sad part. her family didn't like the loss of the "broken one" and had her recommitted after he doctor had agreed she was now well enough to function at home. This sweet soul was surrounded by people who needed her to be ill for them to feel valued and good. The rescuers were the problem, not the lady.
"The toughest fight you'll ever have is to be you." - Chris Walker
Always be guided by a wise person who is not addicted to a philosophy or religion when it comes to change. If they see you as a person with a problem then they are a part of the problem. A good guide sees you as normal, healthy and powerful with only a few habits and maybe some environmental factors you need to shift. Don't be treated as a victim, nor accept encouragement from others. Applause on the outside leads to weakness and dependency on the inside. And when you're standing in front of a challenge you are, as the day you were born, alone, naked and dependent on your inner coach. They can't be in your ear all day, you must become your own encourager. And let the rest take care of itself.
We just sent you an email. Please click the link in the email to confirm your subscription!
OKSubscriptions powered by Strikingly