It is comprehendable
It’s no big surprise to most readers of this blog that I loath complexity when it comes to being yourself in this world. I believe that self-help guru’s have highjacked the integrity of self improvement to become more religious fanaticism than it is about enjoying and creating.
What most try to distract you from is the hard edge of real self-improvement by claiming that circumstances, work load, partner choice or even Covid can have any effect on you unless you are weak enough to allow it.
Weakness is a human trait, we all have it in ourselves. When the going gets tough, the lounge suite looks more comfortable, or holidays seem more attractive. We have been lulled into a sense of comfort over strength. We have been lulled into a sense that being nice to people is more important than being silent.
Silence, keeping secrets, holding back the truth, withholding reactions to ignorance, these are just a few of the essential strengths required for the real enjoyment of life. They are energy conserving. But for many, why conserve energy? Their home life isn’t worth saving energy for because they gave up long ago hoping for improvement at home. Survival becomes the default.
Similarly at work we have become weakened by placating to the least mentally tough person in the group. We play to the lowest rather than highest performance standards. Inclusion has ruined any sense of integrity and joy at work and instead, we are asked to embrace the self-caused stress of the least intelligent person in our portfolio of colleagues, subordinates and bosses.
And people make money out of it. Acceptance, mindfulness, collaboration and emotional intelligence are nothing more than religious fanaticism rebranded into “be good” ideals of being you. Where did honest conversations go?
In a recent meeting with my clients and his boss, we discussed the coaching needs of my client. His boss was a mature old school leader who made the following observation “our organisation needs to evolve, our clients are getting younger and if we’re not careful we will no longer be culturally relevant” it was a very honest observation. But the irony of it wasn’t in his telescope view of the future.
The very adaptation he was speaking about, the need to evolve the company culture was the exact opposite to the recommendations he had for my client. In other words my client was a representation of the culture he needed to evolve to which made him uncomfortable and therefore recommended my client change.
Where all this has gone wrong is in the value of an opinion. Opinions are like arseholes, everyone has one. They are valuable, just like arseholes too. As long as they are seen as a reflection of what was, rather than what is. Opinions reveal where we are constipated, like arseholes, or stuck in the past. We have become so weak in understanding human nature that an opinion, guided by wisdom or emotion, can make or break us. We take nearly everything personally and the current HR trend globally, accentuates and magnifies that weakness.
ARE INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS AT WORK AS IMPORTANT AS THEY SAY?
The more we rely on feelings as a gauge of work and home based satisfaction the more we become victims of other people’s opinion. WE have lost the art of understanding that opinions reflect the past, and those who share such things are living totally in the past, holding on for grim death to what they thought would happen, and hampering all visionary attempts to build where building is done, in the future.
Our decisions have become clouded with doubt because we must, by reason of cultural norms, value the feelings and opinions of others. Both of which are erroneous and unpredictable.
One passenger on the titanic couldn’t change the ships destiny. The world is going where it is going. But they could have put a life jacket on themselves or someone they cared for. Therefore, we are not hopeful that this little blog article will change much, however, we can remain productive, enjoying and loving work, balanced at home, in spite of the mess of weakness the direction of the self help industry is taking people.
- Every human has every trait. Wrap your arms around the fact that whatever people think about you is true. Hence opinions lose their power.
- Set goals and measure yourself on the steps toward those goals rather than the feelings you have along the way, or the opinions of others.
- Make yourself a power in your day by turning up satisfied. Any attempt to gain the approval of others makes you weak. Instead, as what they want in tangible form, deliver it on time.
- Focus only on three great truths in all human interactions. These are that human nature cannot survive in life without all three of these:
Someone to love
Something to do
Something to look forward to.
1. Someone to love
Once this element is satisfied a human being finds it hard to be motivated. Once we say “I have someone to love” and that person is singularly ours, such as in a committed domestic relationship, we do not arrive, we are always worried about and missing their reassurance. We go but we don’t leave. We work but really our heart is at home. The ambition for someone to love was never meant to be satisfied. It is an appetite to find more and more and more people to love. Becoming weak by the investment in a singular relationship based on family will eventually exaggerate the opinions of those we singularise on and this will lead to self-destruction and weakness. Opinions are like arseholes no matter where they come from. Singularity, family, love is meant to inspire the opportunity for more of it, not satisfy and isolate it into a sexually defined bubble.
2. Something to do
When the spark goes out of life, it’s because we have run out of things to do. At this time, suicide becomes an option, we can’t even find the energy to live. Our value, to ourselves and others comes from having something to do that is meaningful. But, at the least, something to do just to do something. A child on an iPad is a far healthier child than one who is bored, nothing to do, nothing of interest to do. Nothing to do, take the iPad, and suicide may follow. We must be aware. Anything to do is a cure for the worst of human pains, nothing to do. The scale of something to do can escalate from anything to being inspired. But without something, a poison sets in, a self-depreciating depression that will eventually implode. Adults with nothing to do invent something to do in order to survive the ravages of boredom. Sex is often the solution but it too can eventually become boring and fantasies are the attempt to avoid it. Life purpose is simply finding something to do, not be bored, even when there’s nothing to do. This is the meaning of resilience. Always a sense of something (of Value to self and others) to do.
3. Something to look forward to.
Nature destroys anything that does not fulfill its purpose. Including people. Slow suicide - obesity, drug addictions, depressions, violence, self harm are the early warning signs of an individual who deems the future, something they do not look forward to. There is so much in this last of the three that we cannot begin to comprehend the diversity of thoughts that can attack the future with discomfort. As a coach, this is the most vulnerable a human can be and must be handled with great love and care. I have met people with everything but who do not look forward to ageing, retiring, achieving, succeeding, having their children grow up, their partner’s happiness, their aged parents dying. So much can fill the future with dread that my guess is that 99% of all people on the planet are not, deeply, looking forward to dying. Their mission is to live in the past even if it means getting something in the future to enable it. A business person might aspire to achieve some end in wealth or position so they can go and live somewhere that avoids a future they fear. This last element of human nature is so complex and yet, it explains the existence of all religion, the elimination (resolution) of the fear of the future. It is why, when one decides not to have addiction to religion, a metaphysics or hermetic teaching is still needed to explain the life beyond life and eliminate it as something not to look forward to.
The world, like the titanic, has a trajectory. You will not, by fear or avoidance, change that. However, your choices and decisions are important. This is the art of self improvement. Constantly evolving.